Ok I spent time with God last night. I was doing some soul searching, some deep thinking.

I know I've said this before but I reversed my decision after a certain chain of events.

However, after thinking last night. I think I really really should just let it all go. Why bother with such things if it only leads to pain and confusion. I don't want to bother with this anymore.

Just like my new image. Im tired of trying. I just want to move on with life and smile.

Lord Jesus, please help me to let go. Everyone please pray for me to be able to let go without holding on. Turning back and looking with regret never helps. It keeps us anchored to the past it holds us back from our true potential.

I know I know, some of you must be going "ugh again?? oei Mark don't let your insecurities get to you" or "aiyah you're just over paranoid"

No. I think this time round, I made the decision with a clear mind. This has been a very tiring, trying and annoying episode. Yes its getting annoying believe it or not. I think when it hits a stage like that, it means I shouldn't hold on.

In anycase I will just remain passive. Its not like Im gonna close doors.

It sounds so familiar when I say this, thank you to everyone who has supported me through. I am forever grateful. I don't know how I would have gotten on without your support and encouragement.

But I think I should close this chapter and move on. Sorry I know I should close this chapter and move on. There are many other chances, and many other things to do.

Why am I so irrational sometimes?

I guess when one tends to rely more on the heart than the mind, stupid thoughts cross your mind here and there. Are they really that stupid I wonder...

I don't think they are. At least to me.

There is a poison that I need to flush out of my system. Yet it seems impossible. Its intoxicating.

In the first place, is it really poison?
Or is it a Heaven sent cure that I am just unwilling to accept?

Perhaps I cannot listen properly, perhaps God is answering me but I just can't hear.

Blargh


In other news,

1) My video recorder finally works, so at least thats one problem less for me to worry about.

2) My PSP is spoilt :(

3) I might have a plan. But I am afraid to execute it.

4) This video got me kinda sad the other day, it was some HG vid where this time round he played the cupid and helped this guy build the courage to confess his love to a girl. The producers really created suspense.

And he really did, he spoke to her from his heart with honesty.

And she said "Im, sorry"

Poor dude, and it was all on TV too... :(

I like happy endings, so yeah despite always telling myself about reality and its harshness, deep inside, somewhere... some part of me is always hoping for a happy ending for anything. Even if reality has proven to me otherwise one too many times.

what about you guys? What do you guys think?

Phew ok back from retreat, well actually I came back on Wednesday...but yeah, the retreat was great, everything from the food the company, the activities. At the end of it all, I realised that our community is special, its one where people can love and care for each other, where we try our very best to help one another in times of need and where we can bring joy to each other.

Im not saying we're perfect, but we try hard. Though in itself there are of course heartbreaks and pains, but we all live through them.

But yeah, I'll be frank, and while it was a great retreat, and I believe I grew spiritually and did get to know my fellow arts mates much much better, I came out of it more confused than when I went in. But thats by no fault of the retreat either. Its weird, the more I ask God for answers the more confused I get. Sheesh...

Im not saying its Gods fault either. I just tend to read things wrongly I guess.

But yeah it was damn fun...retreat was followed with a crazy shopping spree with Ade to help find materials for the games. I can't thank her enough for the company...I think I would have gone crazy if I went out to buy all the stuff by myself lol...considering all the things that happened while shopping haha...

(and by the way the pancake thing isnt THAT great I feel...)

Next came games testing..I really didn't know what to expect, as in, I was really worried about the state of the games cause on paper some of them REALLLLLY seemed dull and boring. Thank God that they were fun. Well at least I thought it was fun and yeah we managed to work out a few kinks in the games that we tried. I really hope the freshies enjoy themselves...thanks to everyone who came down yesterday for the testing. I apologise for the rushing off at the end though, but I was trying to make it for the Ascension Mass with my family. Turns out in the end my bros also followed along at 6...so ya its the first time that we actually had Mass as a whole family in a very long time. Felt good.

After that we watched some of our old LDs (Laser Discs...can you believe it? haha) and we even brough out an old Bugs Bunny one...ahh childhood memories...

Sometimes I do wish I could go back into my childhood days, things were alot simpler then, ignorance really equated to bliss. And I wouldnt need to preoccupy myself with so many thoughts and worries. Sheesh.

Anyway yeah...thats about all for now, till next time...

I just watched my mom and sis board the car and go to Changi Airport.

I don't know, I dont like to see loved ones off, everytime my Dad goes on another overseas trip, I cant help but feel a little sad when I watch him drive off. In this case, I watched my mom and sis go.

Oh well, its just me and my bros now.

FOCs been a little stressful, but yeah manageable, thanks for all the people that have contacted me last night. Thank you all for your offer for help. But actually we managed to do quite a bit yesterday la...the situation is not as bleak. Im just tired. Thats all. Don't worry about me.

I feel like I just need to talk.

Its raining.

I still have so many things I have yet to do. I wanted to go for all night drives/walks, I wanted to draw certain things, I wanted to do everything except what Im doing now.

Perhaps its apathy setting in. Hmm with FOC stuff, Im a little worried. But hey I think everyone else is worried too about their committee stuff. Hopefully I'll get more manpower on the day itself.

Hmm I really wanna go KTV again, it was damn fun, nearly laughed my lungs out that night. (speaking of which..the one night with moses FOC game hehehehehehehe, ok sorry buddy, but we couldnt help it.)

Certain things have felt more distanced as of late. Space is good I guess.

Sorry, my thoughts are incoherent today.

Need to practice magic too...must master Zamiels Rose before school starts! grrr

Oh well..back to my slacking. =P

Well here I am

Sitting in front of my computer, listening to Andre Bocellis new CD.

Its beautiful.

Im breathing the air around me now. Its scentlessly fragrant.

I had a great day yesterday guys, and I really must thank all of you for coming down, and for the wonderfully funny presents hahahaha.

Special thanks to Moses, who really went out of his way to plan the whole thing. Man, you really should work as some special projects officer next time man. But ya, thanks alot buddy for the whole thing.

Well the day started with outreach, we got a fewwww people. Strangely enough, most were actually girls...Darrel had a theory to that though hahaha...which is strangely appealing.

Next came the crazy shopping, and looking back at it, I think we actually bought very little food, this is the first BBQ with no leftovers! I guess thats a good thing though, no wasteage.

We started out with a BBQ, haha Keenan brought like tons of satay!! Which were gobbled up in no time too... oh oh and Moses' 'marinated' chicken was darn interesting too.

Following that, well ok we had presents and cake cutting. I of course, gave a very uninspired speech haha.. sorry =P and of course CRANIUM came right after that, fantastically funny game when played with more than 10 people. I wanna play more of that!

By the time that was over, I think most of the people had left, save a few of us who either were a) too tired to leave b) were already sleeping c) decided to play another board game haha...(and yes, my fellow hunters, we managed to kill Dracula hella fast hehe)

Well, most of the guys had left after breakfast...leaving a small group of us to chit chat, feed on Ben and Jerrys ANNNNDDDD....haha...ok I promised not to say too much. =P

To top that ALL off, my family brought me to Outback Steakhouse!! Alice Springs Chicken forever!

And for this, I must really really thank my dear sister, haha the present was fantastic and thanks for planning and booking the whole thing too =) T-A-N-K-S (yes no H)

On a more serious note, Im still a little nervous with concerns to my medical on May 10th..so keep me in your prayers guys.

And well, I had also told some people some really personal stuff that day, thanks for hearing me out. Yeah its time to walk on, to take each step at a time. Although it hurts, we all get used to it...

But anyway, thanks alot guys! I appreciate everything! Oh and lets not forget to thank God in the end too!

Amen.

Eve of my birthday.

I think I finally have an answer...of course, with everything, nothing is certain but yeah, I think its quite there I think my instints are right.

Time to continue on my journey. :| Im feeling quite numb to it already. Perhaps Im used to it. Haha..nah I dont think you could ever get used to it. But yeah.

Grr Mark, get and and walk dammit, GET UP AND MOVE.

Well...

hmmm...

I dunno.

A recent spree of events (or one event in particular actually) had me thinking of mortality as of late.

Am I afraid to die? Yes and no.

I guess its hard to type it out but, death is something we all would need to face at one point or another. Theres no point really fighting it, is there? I started wondering, what if I only had months to live? Have I achieved everything I wanted to? I don't think so. Plenty of stuff left to do. I guess I wouldn't mind dying now, its just that maybe I'll just feel a little unfulfilled.

They say you should live as if the next day would be your last. I can't possibly do that. If I knew it would be my last, there are a few things that I would really like to say to certain people which I know I would not be able to say in normal context.

And while we're on the topic of death, why not bring up age too. 22nd Birthday coming up soon now. Not getting any younger too. I don't know why, but everytime my birthday approaches I get more and more miserable. Why? Well its simple. I guess in our family birthdays were meant to be special. I know to some people out there, its nothing more than just another day. But for me, I've always thought of it as a day where, I dunno, special stuff happens.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I think as I grow older, I begin to realise that my material needs are much more easily fulfilled. As with each birthday that comes, I just don't really want stuff. In anycase the things that I truely earnestly and honestly want cannot bought with money. But, as the last bazillion or so birthdays have shown, these things don't come easy. At one point I expected even the non material to come true in some fairy tale sense. I know it won't now...but theres always that glimmer of hope. Im not trying to sound pessimistic here, but as experience has shown, I should just forget it.

Hope is funny...it drives you foward and it drives you insane.

Geeze, the human spirit really is insatiable. The exams are over and you'd think I would appreciate the time, the sense of freedom, the rest. I should be thankful. I am I guess. Yet with the onset of the holidays, all the thoughts that I supressed during the examinations are beginning to resurface again.

Its tiring. Will the old cycles repeat again? I always pray that they won't but somehow they do anyway.

Anyway, had a really funny KTV session last night, helped take my mind off things for a while. Haha didn't know Joel was such a crooner and Gerg sang with so much passion. But I tell you, the highlight of the night just had to be moses...with his One Night in Beijing....hahahaha

And this morning I had another jolt of reality as I try to coordinate my medical stuff with insurance and all the rest..sheesh.

Alright, I cant really say back to work now..Im too tired this morning to do stuff..might be due to late sleep and early rising.

Never ever sleep with problems in your mind, it leads to the most unrestful sleep, ever. So its back to my distractions.

I leave you with Corrine Mays Happy Birthday song:

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul you've helped to grow
A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

Do you guys think our dreams would ever come true?

Well the exams are fianlly over.

At last. haha man its been a really long semester. Finally coming to a close. As usual with the closing of something, there must be new doors to open, new things to persue, and of course (Im being realistic not pessimistic here) new problems to solve.

Still got FOC to worry about.

And all those other little things...

But for now, I'll just enjoy myself =)

I got this from The Daily Catholic...very inspiring piece of reflections...thought I would like to share it with everyone out there...


As Lot and his wife left Sodom they were told not to look back but Lot's wife didn't listen and was turned into a pillar of salt.

How many times may have we found ourselves following the actions of Lot's wife and not that of Lot .

So often in life God tells us not to look back but we so often have the desire to do so. There are various reasons one may choose to look back. For some it's to laugh at those who are being destroyed, for others there may be the hope that things will be better than when we left, that things might change and that there may be hope for a brighter future.

Those who choose to look back are missing the most important thing in life to succeed as the Lord desires us to and that is to trust in the words of God when he says, ?Don't look back.?

When we question God by looking back we've lost our trust in Him. It is not God then who destroys us, we destroy ourselves. We must not question God but only trust that he has his reasons. He knows when he takes us away from the pain in life that we've experienced that if we dwell on the evils that were once a part of our lives it will in time destroy us. We are destroyed, not because God wants to destroy us but because we allow ourselves to be.

We must pray each day for the faith and trust in God that Lot had, moving forward and not dwelling on the past.

There are those times that we have found ourselves living the ways of the people of Sodom and Gomorra and God then sets us on the right track, leading us in a new direction. If we can not let go and keep looking back we too will destroy ourselves.