I was just watching this weeks episode of Kanon (remake). Looks like Sawatari Makoto's story arc is about to end. I think out of the whole lot she had one of the most painful endings (at least from the first Kanon release) this time round they made her even more likeable, and in a way its really sad to see the story go in this direction again (although of course anything else just wouldnt be 'Kanon-ish' enough.) I know its only a stupid show. But yeah its good.

Maybe its because...

In anycase, I worry for this Christmas. Certain decisions that I will choose to make, or have chosen will affect a few peoples lives. I'm afraid. I want to keep the status quo, yet at the same time I feel I really need to do it. If nothing more, to just close certain open wounds in my life. So that they can stop bleeding, so that they can heal.

But what if people get hurt in the process? I couldn't live with myself if that happened. And so far, the odds are not too good.

What do I do now? What must I do? God please tell me, give me an answer.

The exams aren't helping much either.

LAST REGRETS (translation)

Don't say "Thank you," keep it always in your chest. Goodbyes aren't gloomy. After the dream, quietly step off.

The fragments that rain into my hands, I will always hold close The strength to be smiling until the end; that, I have already known.

Good morning; waking is blindingly bright sadness. I cannot let you say goodbye, our weakness was good to have been.

The gentleness that overflowed in us two, let be reflected, like flowers, like love. The quietness of low clouds waiting for the winds... I can no longer hear it.

The fragments that rain into my hands, I will always hold close The strength to be smiling until the end; that, I have already known.

Don't cry anymore, don't cry...

somehow, I feel I relate to certain areas of the song.

bah humbug.

Holidays are such a spoiler.

I had actually meant to blog...but everytime I started, I would delete the post away.

I guess its due to alot of inner thoughts being thrown about here and there. Well...I still have plenty of deadlines to go, but for some reason, the deadlines aren't affecting me as much as other things. But hey, its always been like that.

I've also had the sudden realisation that Christmas is on its way.

What is Christmas all about?

The birth of a saviour, the hope of the world. That is what we are celebrating. Its easy to say this, but can we truly live this and not get sucked into the commercial vortex that this world has turned it into? I don't think that even I can escape it.

I realise too, that with each Christmas, I really want less. (Although this year the playstation 3 launches but I digress) The older I get, the less material wants I have for Christmas. You'd think it would be good, but it has been replaced by something worse. I now long for intangibles. Things that are priceless. How can one ask for such things? They are far more valuable than anything in the world. As strange as it seems, each Christmas too, ends up worse off because of these intangibles that just can't be fulfilled. Perhaps its due to a self lack, perhaps its because Im not looking hard enough or I might have just oriented myself in the wrong direction.

Is it so wrong to want?

Talking about this brings out so many inner demons. The worst of which are insecurities and fear. I guess we all have them to a certain extent. But who would have guessed that it would come out so strongly in me? Im not as strong as I seem, perhaps I never seemed that strong in the first place.

Life is too complicated. Sometimes it would be great if I could just detach myself from all of this, and rise to some higher plane of thought. Emotions are a burden that are heavy.

I think a big problem sometimes is the idea of expectations. It makes you hope so much. And most of the time it will be a huge letdown. Im tired of these letdowns. Im tired of retreating. Its akin to playing a game where the odds are so stacked against you. So much so at times, you wonder if there ever was a chance at winning.

Too many years.

Added to the fact that Im probably oblivious to the things that go on around me. And on the other hand I tend to read too much into certain things too. Its hard to find that balance.

I wish I could read minds sometimes. Then we wouldnt need that strange veneer of masks that we carry around. Although I do argue that our masks are but just facets of ourselves.

There are alot of things I need to say to many people. But I can't, I don't want to imbalance their equilibrium.

So as such I will hold on to all of these, keep them in myself, locked...but hopefully not for an eternity.

Its just the time of the season. Its been associated with too much pain.