Just felt like I had to say something...

Im just gonna blabber nonstop.

You know, its been many years. Too many years...is one supposed to be so patient? I guess we have to.... Im continually perplexed by some of our own Christian sayings..."Knock and the door will be opened, ask and you shall receive", how long do you knock? I think the knocker is wearing thin. My voice sometimes feels shut out...why does the door seem sound proof? The sun is scorching, I just need someone to open that door. Sometimes, it rumbles, I get a hint of hope....then the rumbling stops. Sometimes I see the door handle turn, but it never opens, it gets jammed and the door remains closed. Why won't it open??

Maybe I've scratched the door too much...some people tell me to rely on God, that he will provide. Yet..."God only helps those who help themselves" what am I to do? Sit here and passively wait? Am I supposed to be gung-ho? So many questions...so few answers...I need some answers. Its driving me crazy.

Sometimes it would be so much easier if life was an assessment book...that way when Im really stuck, I could just flip to the back page and peep at the answers. I don't need so many suprises in my life.

I think I can handle them. Can I really?

I honestly don't think I ask for that much. And yet I still have so much. I have so many superflous things. But what about the important things?

I need an ear. Yet I don't want to speak.

I want to listen. But sometimes I'm afraid of the truth.

I want to speak. But I shy away.

I want to be happy. But I want to be sad too.

I feel so..so..isolated sometimes. Arrgh. I tell people to feel the joy, appreciate the little things in life. Im starting to forget my own advice. Im turning hypocritical.

I fear because of the past. I fear because of the future.

What happens, if I threw away all that I do. What am I? Who am I? Bah. Who cares.
Would anyone?

too many questions.





too few answers.










too tired to think.